Yesterday, Zet and I had the pleasure of watching our son, Mateo, compete in the UIL Regional Swim Meet (100 yard freestyle and the 400 yard freestyle relay) in Corpus Christi. He didn't make the finals, but did shave almost three seconds off his previous personal best time, and I'm feeling like a mighty proud papa. Of course, we wanted to stay overnight to watch his team mates in the finals, but knowing he'd have more fun if his parents weren't hovering around the hotel where he and his teammates stayed, we drove to Port Aransas and spent the night at the Seaside Condos, a slightly funky, but cheap beachside motel we've enjoyed in the past.
MOVING SLOWLY
This morning, we woke up early and spent some time hanging out on the beach before heading back to Corpus. It was crisp and cool, so Zet took a long walk, combing the beach for shells, while I had the pleasure of partaking in my all-time favorite form of meditation: a long set of Yang Style Tai Chi Chuan, keeping time with the slow, soft rhythm of the surf, breathing in the salt spray, facing into the light of the sun rising over the sea. Ahhh...
FEELING BLESSED
Now that I've finished my centering process, Zet surprises me with a beautiful, 20' x 15' heart sculpture, which she drew in the sand while I was busy meditating. Coming on top of the great joy of watching Mateo swim in the Regionals, the satisfaction of a good night's sleep far from the responsibilities of our daily life, the sweetness of my wife's company and a deep, seaside Tai Chi Chuan set at sunrise, her Valentine drawing is the perfect out-picturing of the heart-bursting-wide-open-joy I'm experiencing!
FEELING LOSS
All too soon it's time to leave the beach and drive back to Corpus. Ever the organizer, Zet heads back to the motel room first to finish packing, while I linger to savor the scenery just a little bit longer. Feeling all that joy washing through my chest while standing next to the heartwarming artwork and surveying the ceaseless dance of the surf washing up on the shore, suddenly a visceral sense of loss begins stabbing my solar plexus as a I realize the tide is slowly rising. That within the space of an hour or two, this beautiful Valentines gift will be washed away. It's not a big surprise, and hardly a profound thought, given the inevitable fate of sand castles on every beach in the world, and yet...
In that one moment, my imagination observes the beautiful drawing melt away in the rising waters soon to come; and along with it, I experience the inevitability of my death and/or Zet's, bringing with it the end of our seemingly endless relationship someday, just as surely as Mateo will pack his bags and go off to college next year. First my toes, then my feet, then my whole body is sinking into the beach, dissolving into the selfsame texture of the countless grains of sand on which I had been standing, seeing them for what they truly are: the remains of a billion trillion seashells that have been pulverized by these same, relentlessly dancing waves.
FEELING GRATEFUL
But just as quickly as I found myself standing all alone, feeling the pangs of Mateo leaving home and my bones melting into sand, I'm now experiencing the intimate immediacy of past, present and future melting into One ceaseless moment, stretching out in all directions and dimensions simultaneously. Yes, I'm all alone, facing into the bodily awareness of impermanence, staring into the unsolvable mystery of impending death - but I'm also feeling deeply connected to everything in my surroundings, profoundly certain that I AM standing in the perfect spot. Not just here and now, but always and in all ways.
Simultaneously I am feeling both humbled and blessed. Diminished and enlarged. Awful and awestruck. But mostly, I'm ready to pack my bags and do the next right thing in the next perfect place, whatever and wherever that may turn out to be. And, for this awareness, I am thankful.
With gratitude and blessings for a Happy St. Valentine's Day! Hope you will spend it with us at the Circle's 24th Birthday Party!
Rudi
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