REMEMBERING AND FORGETTING

          It's been a particularly busy time in our household this week, given Zet's role as coordinator of the King William Fair, the annual, day-long, Fiesta party for 40,000+ people, which is zooming toward us at the speed of light. In addition to the day-to-day operations of the Circle, and my having had seven musical performances over the past ten days, our son, Mateo, is busy sending sparks flying as only a teenager in love can do. In short, it's Zoom Time at our house.

 

ZOOMING AROUND

            Fifteen minutes after waking up this morning I find myself facing another To-Do List containing w-a-a-y more things to do than can get done in one day, and feeling rather overwhelmed. Fortunately, I've learned through experience that the very best thing to do at a moment like that is... nothing.  To simply sit still for a little while and breathe, release my need to Do and embrace my desire to Be.

            This process doesn't have to take a long time; just a minute or two is usually enough to get centered in the truth of who I AM - and that I AM is not limited or defined by what I do or try or buy.

 

SETTLING DOWN

            So that's what I'm doing now, remembering that regardless of what I accomplish on the physical plane, "my Purpose is to experience, explore and express the free flow of Spirit flowing through me, in a world of prosperity and peace, now."

            This statement of Purpose is a sentence that I've carefully crafted, re-crafted, nurtured and utilized often over the past 30 years, and it serves me well to embrace it now. As I expand into the spaciousness of my Soul Purpose at the feeling level, I am able to see my surroundings with fresh eyes. The floor, the furniture, the food on the counter, the yard outside the window are all shining, sparkling with aliveness.

            I open my heart to all of it, feeling compassion for myself, my sweet partner, Zet, our son, our home, and all of Creation, including the To Do list in front of me.  After all, it's something I've clearly created for myself as an opportunity to do what needs to be done, while simultaneously embracing the Oneness of all Life.

 

LOOKING UP

            Will I be able to sustain this feeling throughout the day? Highly unlikely. But it's here now. And, hopefully, I will be able to take my next action, whatever it may prove to be, from this space of feeling centered, free and unlimited. 

            And when I forget, as I probably will in awhile, I'll do my best to remember again. To pause and lift my vision up long enough to embrace whatever situation presents itself as yet another opportunity to experience, explore and express the free flow of Spirit fully, joyfully and gratefully. At least, that's my intention and that's my purpose -- and I'm sticking to it.

            With joy,

                Rudi

WARDROBE WOES AND WISHES

          It's that time of the year when the cold weather has clearly passed, the really hot weather is still (thankfully, hopefully) a few weeks distant - and the temperatures on any given day can swing from a pre-dawn chill in the 50's to a late afternoon high in the low 90's. For someone like myself, who is sensitive to ambient temperatures and always dresses for comfort, that means wearing multiple layers.

            It also means that our normally, well-ordered bedroom is currently filled with various piles of clothing in varying states of disorder, because we're still in the process of switching out our seasonal wardrobes, as we have been for a couple of weeks now. I really wish it were otherwise. Ideally, we'd already be finished with a quick, simple process of hauling summer stuff out of storage boxes and packing up the winter clothes in their place. But, we simply haven't done so yet, faced as we are with a combination of limited closet space, full work schedules, the need to wear layers and a desire to separate out unwanted items to donate to the upcoming Circle garage sale.

 

HEAPED UP AND OVERFLOWING

            Meanwhile, the random piles somehow made it easier to avoid making the bed; for shoes to wind up by the stairs, instead of on the shoe rack; for dirty laundry to pile up in the hamper.

            And yes, I'm fully aware that this is definitely a First World problem -- and I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Although we get almost all of our clothes free from clothes swaps or cheap at thrift shops, the stacks in our bedroom would still represent a state of incomprehensible affluence to a large percentage of the world's population.

            And yet, I can't help but notice how much the "messy" state of our bedroom has been bothering me. Apparently, not enough to shove aside some of the other tasks on my To Do List in order to organize this clutter. But still enough to keep me walking in circles while getting dressed in the morning, or get flustered while putting away fresh laundry, when I finally got around to it. Enough to leave me muttering under my breath periodically about the need to "clean up this mess,"and start and end the day feeling like a failure for not having accomplished this task yet.

 

STEEPED IN GRATITUDE

            But, now, in this moment, I'm choosing to look around our bedroom with fresh eyes and a deep sense of gratitude. To feel grateful for the abundance of clothing, of course, but also for the gift of owning of this beautiful home; this lovely, light-filled, 2nd-floor room overlooking acres of trees and greenbelt; for a loving partner who shares my preference for a tidy, uncluttered living quarters, but doesn't get as "hung up about it" as I do, when things are temporarily untidy.

            Sinking into my breath and the silence of this precious, present moment, I suddenly hear that the critical, Monkey Mind chattering away just a few moments earlier was merely echoing the voice of my late, much-loved, but very strict and often-judgmental mother, who struggled to deal with her own issues of control and self-worth with limited resources, while raising six rambunctious sons in a foreign country. That I wasn't just looking at this room now, but at the bedrooms and bathrooms of my childhood, which could never be clean enough for her liking.

 

KEEPING STILL

            Rather than arguing with either of those voices, I choose to simply observe and listen as they gently fade away, leaving me alone to simmer in silence and gratitude a few seconds longer.

            Soon enough, Fiesta 2015 will be history, and Zet's work schedule will slow down enough so that she and I can spend some time putting up these clothes. It might even happen tomorrow. Who knows? And frankly, who cares? Because, in the meantime, this room, this wardrobe and this guy sitting here are all perfect, just the way we are - for now...   And now.  And now.

 

With gratitude and blessings,

            Rudi

PS: Our next Circle Garage Sale will be held May 15-16! So if you, too, are doing some spring cleaning/wardrobe re-organization, please keep that in mind. See details below. 

POETRY IN MOTION

           I must admit that after having produced and performed over 3,000 Celebration Circle weekly gatherings, concerts, classes, retreats and other events over the past twenty three years, there are times when Zet and I ask ourselves why we keep doing this. I can't speak for her, but I often invoke the joy of serving Spirit or living my Life Purpose as being the reason for doing this work, which is what I've been doing professionally, in one form or the other, ever since December 1980.

FEELING STUCK

            However, there are definitely times when the sheer energy it takes to load my car with gear, to coordinate volunteers, to deal with the logistics of the various venues and menus, time and again, gets to be such a strain that the Monkey Mind in my brain goes into overdrive, finding fault with everything I have or haven't done.

            That was certainly true last Saturday night, as I was making my fifth consecutive round trip across Hemisfair Plaza, schlepping sound equipment and refreshments from the street curb to the UNAM building for "Voices, Vibes and Visions," our evening of poetry, music and interactive visual art. Monkey Mind was in particularly fine form; he kept up an intermittent chant of doubt throughout the load-in and setup process, which he raised to a high pitch as the first poet began reading to an audience of just a few dozen people.

FEELING ALIVE

            Fortunately, my initial disappointment over the low attendance was quickly erased by the swirling waves of sweet-but-savory, co-creative energy sweeping through the auditorium, transporting us all to an artistic Nirvana for a couple of hours. What an amazing experience it was to feast on the varied styles of tasty word stew being cooked 

up by such gifted poets (Mariana Aitches, Lahab Assef Al-Jundi, Jim LaVilla-Havelin, Ignacio Magaloni, Natalia Trevino and emcee, Don Mathis), stirred by the amazingly vivid, acrylic-on-canvas portraits that Thom Ricks was painting - and then served up with a whole slew of new songs I co-created on the spot, combining the afore-mentioned poetry, artistry and spirituality with the musicianship of Kevin Lewis (bass), Michael Madison (percussion), and Jake Pacheco (vocals). Everyone present agreed that it was truly a magical event on multiple levels, regardless of how many people were there to witness it.

FEELING GRATEFUL

            Much later, long after the last of the evening's details has been handled, the supplies had been hauled off and the equipment stashed away for the next program, I find myself flooded with gratitude. Not just for the particular blessings of this event, but for the larger gift of my unique career path that has come to include writing, music, movement, meditation, sacred psychology, community and creativity to an extent far beyond anything I could ever have imagined when I began this work 35 years ago. I'm feeling incredibly blessed to be doing this and deeply grateful for the support of so many people (including you, dear reader) that make it possible.

FEELING PRESENT

            Seen from this larger perspective, the trials, doubts and Monkey Mind pouts are all part of this gift, too, for they play an integral role in helping me face up to the shadow side of this work. Compelling me to remember, that I don't want to stay stuck in the yuck of old fears and patterns. Encouraging me to release ego attachments to particular outcomes, and trust that the income from any given event or fiscal year is just part of a much larger current that always continues to flow, whatever I do, wherever I go. Inspiring me to stop counting how many people are in attendance and start invoking the immeasurable presence of the countless, supportive souls whose gifts of time, attention and treasure, given so generously over the span of several decades, have helped make this moment possible.

            Hmmm... I'm pretty sure there's a new song, story or poem in there somewhere, just waiting to be written. Or as one of my literary heroes, Garrison Keillor, once said, "Nothing bad ever happens to a writer. Everything is material."

With gratitude and blessings,

                Rudi

A GENTLE REMINDER

             I wrote the following as a reminder to myself (and hopefully, you, too), that there is real power in creating and sharing our poems, songs and stories. I firmly believe that each of us has some measure of artistry that longs to be expressed. Whether we do so publicly or privately matters less than the doing itself, not just for our own sake, but for the sake of shifting the collective consciousness of our species beyond the unsustainable limitations, exploitations and separations of our dominant-but-dying culture. 

            It is in this spirit, too, that I invite you to join us this Saturday for "Voices, Vibes & Visions," a collaborative evening of poetry readings, live music and interactive visual art being produced by Celebration Circle at UNAM San Antonio in Hemisfair for the second year. Not only will the event feature five, well-respected poets reading from their work, alongside in-the-moment paint on canvas and live, interactive music  -- but you will be invited to participate in the creative process in ways that feed your spirit, too.  Suffice it to say that the creative space will not be limited to the stage!  (For event details, see below) 

            Whether or not you can join us in person on Saturday night, I hope you'll find this poem to be a helpful reminder to YOUR inner poet, whether sleeping or waking. 

 

    With gratitude and blessings,

          Rudi

AWAKEN THE SLEEPING POET

 

Awaken the sleeping poet gently

remind her that there is no time to wait

for that other, more perfect moment to arise,

because there is a fresh crop of over-ripe words

waiting to be plucked, washed and served up

now

 

Never mind her many good excuses

for wanting to stay in bed

and doze a little while longer

there are stronger reasons that must be addressed

 

We no longer know how the story ends,

so we need to hear her tell it

in her own words

again and again

 

Awaken the sleeping poet softly

but please do not nag or rush her

for the time she spends waking

is an integral part

of the poem she is writing

even now

as she slumbers.

                 © 2015 Rudi Harst 

MAILING PARTY

      It's Monday, my day off, with nothing on the schedule. It's a good thing, too, because I'm really tired, after a rewarding but action-packed week, followed by a mighty full weekend of Circle events. Looking forward to spending the day outdoors, maybe going for a walk, or laying out in yard, playing guitar or pushing my pen over some blank sheets of paper for the sheer pleasure of non-goal-directed creativity.

            There's just one small task that lies between me and this delicious day off: a trip to the Bulk Mail department at the main post office to deliver four large trays of envelopes that a dozen, sweet volunteers helped process yesterday. No big deal; if I'm lucky, the drop-off will take just a few minutes, and perhaps I'll use the cross-town drive as an excuse to go to a movie or a hike through Hardberger Park. Nice ideas.

 

GOING DOWN

            But when I start carrying the trays of mail out to the car, I notice that we forgot to include the words "Return Service Requested" under our return address when these new envelopes were printed. Arrrggghh!! Without this "ancillary service endorsement," the post office won't accept this as bulk mail. Meaning I'll either have to spend $420 buying and affixing 854 first class stamps (NOT!), or handwrite the qualifying phrase on each envelope. Bummer.

            Instantly, the brightly colored visions of my fantasy day off disappear and my mood turns sour, imagining the hours of work involved in unpacking, handwriting and repacking all this mail. Kicking myself for failing to notice this detail earlier, at the print shop. Or at least yesterday, when there were a dozen friendly volunteers who could have helped with this daunting task.

 

GETTING STARTED

            Of course, I could get on the phone now and try to round up some Circle friends to come help, but what are the chances of succeeding on such short notice on a workday? Slim to none. If I called enough folks, it probably could happen tonight or tomorrow, but that would mean delaying the mailing for another day or two, which feels unacceptable, too. "Got to do it today, got to do it alone, " mutters my ever-diligent Monkey Mind.

            Feeling dumb, glum and sorry for myself, I begin to settle into the task at hand, when suddenly I remember that this very same thing had happened a couple of years ago - and that Zet had a "Return Service Requested" rubber stamp made for the occasion. Sure enough, not only does it turn up after a quick search through the office supply closet, but the built-in inkpad is still moist, too.  Maybe this won't be so bad after all.

            The mood shifts and I decide to embrace this bulk mailing process as a gift. Why not make it fun? We still have a nice assortment of crackers and imported cheeses left over from a recent party; then add some almonds and a few of those fresh-picked, organic strawberries we got at the farmers market on Saturday. And why not a glass of that tasty Prosecco left over from the party, too?

 

HAVING FUN

            With this nice lunch in hand, and a fresh feeling in my heart, I start rubber-stamping the first handful of envelopes and immediately begin smiling as several of the names on the address labels jump right off the page, bringing sweet thoughts and memories to mind. There's Barbara's husky voice, laughing at her own goofy jokes. And my very tall, friend Mark, leaning down to hug me. David and Karen, standing on the front porch of their cabin; Daniel's impish grin; Kat's wise words; Thom's artistry; Bill and Jana's garden. The list goes on and on, and I'm pleasantly surprised to find distinct memories embedded in the vast majority of these individual names, and by the feelings of love, support and generosity that comes pouring through them, too.

            Twenty-three years and thousands of details later, it is all too easy to get caught up in "the work" of the Circle, and overlook the love involved. But not this time! Because this is no longer a boring clerical task, but a rich opportunity to reconnect with so many loved ones, and the gift of their sustained friendship and support of the Celebration Circle. 

            Two hours later, the work is done, and the mailing trays have been handed off to the friendliest post office clerk I've ever met. Now I clearly see that this "printing error" was actually a very special gift in disguise; iinstead of being just another bulk mailing, this was truly a Special Delivery, hand-addressed to me. And if you're on our mailing list, and receive one of those hand-stamped envelopes, I really hope you can feel the joy with which it was mailed to you!

 

With gratitude and blessings,

          Rudi

ENGAGING THE SPRING BRAKE

            Once again, our family didn't go anywhere or do anything special for Spring Break this year. No trip to the Gulf coast or Big Bend. No major house-maintenance project. Instead, we just took advantage of those few days when our teenager didn't have to go to school, and Zet didn't have to work as much as usual, in order to hang out at home, alone together. "Just chilling," as our son might say.

 BEING AT HOME

            Now that Mateo is a sophomore with his own interests, we don't get to hang out together as a family very often, so it was delicious to simply be around each other, moving through separate orbits that intersected periodically during the course of the week. Taking naps. Going for long walks through our neighborhood. Watching a movie on Netflix. Cooking favorite foods.

BEING OUTDOORS

            But the thing I enjoyed most was sitting quietly outdoors for a few minutes at a time. Not "doing" anything. Just sitting without a purpose. Not even meditating, breathing consciously or doing Tai Chi Chuan or any of the other re-energizing spiritual practices that I often do. This was different. Just doing absolutely nothing. No big deal. Simply sitting silently for a bit, observing the breeze stirring the trees, the clouds swirling in slow motion, birds flitting around building nests.

         Stepping outside of the whirlwind of accomplishing tasks and accumulating treasures that seems to consume so much of my time and energy. Watching as the budding leaves seem to sprout from the bare branches right before my very eyes. Placing my bare feet on the earth, feeling the delicious combination of the cool, green grass below, the bright, warm sun above and sweet, crisp air all around, taking my breath away time and again, with the sheer freshness of it all.

         It seems to me that this is prayer in the broadest, deepest sense: sitting in silence and contemplating the magnificence of creation, unfolding within and around us. Moving beyond the limited, linear thinking of daily routines into the limitless vastness of the Divine, being made manifest everywhere I look, if only I'm willing to see with fresh eyes.

BEING GRATEFUL

           It feels great to take such a "Spring Brake" periodically. As in putting on the brakes. Pausing long enough to get grounded by physically connecting with ourselves, with our surroundings, with Mother Earth, and simply feeling grateful for all of it. Ahhh... 

          I really hope you that you have had (or will have) a chance to do something similar, too. I believe this weekend is a particularly auspicious time for doing so, because the Spring Equinox is the time when day and night are of equal length, calling forth a sense of balance between light and dark, life and death, creating and resting. So if you haven't done so yet, let this be your invitation to step outside sometime soon! 

          One option I hope you'll consider in the spirit of celebrating the Spring Equinox is joining me and seven of my favorite musical friends at the Cave Without a Name this Saturday night, as we engage in a powerful time of celebration and meditation in the magnificent setting of the Queen's Throne Room, deep within the earth. I can't think of a better time or place for experiencing a Spring Brake!  For tickets and more information, http://www.cavewithoutaname.com/events.php

. 

         But wherever you are, whatever you do, may you and All Beings be blessed by your willingness to experience and express the sense of balance, freshness and aliveness permeating the air at this rich and vital time.

 With joy,       

        Rudi     

A STARGAZER'S TALE

 It's one of those mornings when I just can't seem to get into gear. Having returned from a two-day, mini-retreat that Zet and I had enjoyed in the Hill Country a few days earlier, I'm clearly crashing from the beautiful buzz I got from that delicious time in Mother Nature, breathing in clean, fresh air while wrapped in a velvet blanket of silence.

 

STUCK IN THE YUCK

            I'm trying to get back into the routine of city life, but having washed the breakfast dishes, made the bed and walked the dogs, I'm putting off the inevitable need to get back to my desk and face up to the big pile of tasks and deadlines awaiting action. Unable to get any traction, I go outside to clear my head with a few minutes of grounding meditation, but quickly find myself getting bummed out by the depressing sound of rush-hour traffic nearby and the sickening sight of the smoggy sky. How I long to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head!

 

GETTING UNSTUCK

            But then I remember the spell-binding sight of the zillions of stars we'd seen in the Hill Country sky just a few nights before, and a doorway opens in the back corner of my mind. Yes, of course, all of those stars are still shining brightly, right here, right now! They might be invisible to my naked eye in this smoggy, day sky - but that doesn't mean they're not there, shining just as brightly as ever. And suddenly, I'm not feeling so sad or alone, and a warm, familiar feeling comes flooding through my heart and into my bones.

            A few seconds later a brand new song comes floating through my mind and I find myself singing along, feeling stronger and more centered, more willing to do what needs to be done, with renewed zest for whatever comes next...

 

FEELING STARSTRUCK

            I can't really explain it, and I'm certainly won't claim that all the lyrics are necessarily true - or not. I'll leave that up to you to decide. All I know is that writing and singing this tune over the past few days has left me feeling more energized and deeply connected, and I would like to share that feeling with you. So, here are the lyrics, and there's a 4-minute video recording at the beginning of this column that you're invited to view and/or share, in hopes that others might find it helpful, too.

 

                 SOUL DESTINY

When I open my heart to the morning sky,

and the stars I can no longer see

Still shining as bright as they were last night,

still pouring their light down on me

I can feel in my bones, that I'm not alone,

for there's a star where my tribe waits for me

somewhere deep in outer space,

in some far off galaxy

 

Where my soul sisters and soul brothers,

are beaming a message to me

saying welcome home, whenever you return,

but for now you won't you please learn to see

that this tiny planet Earth, which has given you birth

in this lifetime, that's where you're meant to be

though it often feels wrong,

and those feelings can get strong,

it's just part of your Soul Destiny

 

Far out in space, there's a being with a face

that may not look much like mine

but deep down inside there's a bright golden light

being broadcast across space and time

we're so far apart, when measured in miles

and yet we share sparks without words or smiles

far beyond thoughts or things we can see

there's a way of knowing that sets my soul free

 

Sometimes confused, sometimes so scared

sometimes I wonder, why bother to care

in a world where we blunder and get pushed to the brink

why must I stay here where life often stinks

polluted by hatred, war and greed

where the air is so dirty, it getting harder to breathe

I don't have the answers, but one thing I know

there's work to be done here, before I can go

 

As I open my heart to the morning sky

and the stars I can no longer see

I just know that it's true that far, far away

in some distant galaxy

there's a place where my tribe will welcome me home

whenever that time may arrive

but until that day comes, I simply give thanks

for the gift of being alive

 

(words and music by Rudi Harst © 2015)

With joy, 

     Rudi